7 Things That Happen the First Time You Wear an 84-Year-Old's Face
In order. Number four is the one nobody expects. The funny ski mask is $19.99 a face, all three for $44.99.
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1The double take
From fifty feet it's an old man. From ten feet it's an old man with a 30-year-old's eyes, because the eye opening is a regular open slot and your own eyes look out of it. That second look — the one where their brain reloads — is the whole product. It happens at the stoplight, the lift line, the gas station, the grocery store in January.
2Somebody reaches for a phone
Usually within four seconds. The driver in the next lane, the two friends on the chairlift, the brother-in-law in the next stand. You will be in a group chat you're not in. You stay warm; everyone else gets the photo.
3Someone asks where it's from
Then they don't believe the price. "Nineteen ninety-nine" sounds like a joke next to a $35 beard beanie or a $25 latex mask, and this one does both of their jobs.
4You realize it's actually warm
This is the one nobody expects. Underneath the print it's a thin windproof stretch balaclava — the same job as the plain black one you already own. The face is printed into the knit, not stuck on top, so it's no thicker, it stretches without cracking, and it washes cold. You put it on for the laugh and keep it on for the wind.
5Your goggles fog less than you braced for
Fleece soaks through. Neoprene turns into a fog machine. Thin stretch knit breathes while you work, so most people get far less fogging — breathe out through the mask, not up into the lens. Goggles, sunglasses and a helmet go straight over it.
6You pull it down and it's a gaiter
Sun comes out, you walk into the lodge, the visor's going down — pull it down to your neck and it's a printed neck gaiter. Hood up when it's cold again. One piece, whole season, lives in a jacket pocket between.
7Your crew wants one, and the three-pack starts making sense
By the second weekend somebody has asked to borrow it. That's why the three-pack exists: one of each face — Mustache the distinguished one, Smoker the grumpy one, Toothless Smile the happy one — for $44.99. Three singles are $59.97, so you save $14.98 and the third grandpa costs $5.01. The photo of the three of you is the group-chat icon by lunch.
Mustache
Smoker
Toothless SmilePick the face on the next page · Free U.S. shipping · 30-day money-back
Straight talk: it's a novelty outdoor mask, not protective equipment. One stretch size (snug on a very big head). The eye opening is a regular open slot, so your view is what it is in any ski mask. Skip it anywhere face coverings aren't allowed. The Smoker has a cigarette in the print — for a kid or a workplace, pick one of the other two.
Step one through seven, reported
The whole lift line lost it. Wore the Mustache on the chairlift and the whole lift line lost it. Genuinely warm too — my face was the only one not frozen at the top. Bought the three-pack for my brothers before I'd taken it off.
Garrett P. — Mustache · SkierActually blocks the wind on the lake. Bought it as a joke for the ice shack. Blocks the wind better than the fleece one I'd been using, and the eye opening is wide enough that my sunglasses sit over it no problem. The guys keep asking to borrow it.
Mateo R. — Smoker · Ice fishingBreathes well on the bike — size runs snug. Cold-morning commutes, breathes better than my neoprene one and doesn't fog my glasses. One-size stretch is snug on my big head — still fits. Every red light is a show.
Kyle F. — Smoker · Winter cyclingReviews reflect individual customer experiences. Individual results vary.
Number eight: it sells out. Winter batch — when the three faces are gone, they're gone until next season. In stock while you're reading this means it ships.
Pick a face. Or take all three.
One — $19.99 (reg. $49.99) · Mustache, Smoker or Toothless Smile.
All three — $44.99 ★ MOST POPULAR ★ One of each · save $14.98 · the third face for $5.01.
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Get Mine Before the Batch Is Gone →Real windproof balaclava · One stretch size · Wash cold, air dry
Quick questions
Is it actually warm, or just a gag?
Both. Underneath the print it's a real outdoor balaclava — windproof, warm and breathable, the same job as the plain black one.
Does it fit under a helmet and goggles?
Yes. The fabric is thin and stretchy, so helmets, goggles and sunglasses go straight over it.
Shipping and returns?
Ships from our U.S. warehouse, free U.S. shipping, tracking by email. 30 days from delivery to send it back for a refund of the purchase price.
Winter batch · Free U.S. shipping · 30-day money-back